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(Photo Credit: Isabell Kamp‘s painting A Secret is a Trap (Oil, Acrylic, Fabric, Yarn, Paint
50 x 70 cm).  You can visit her website here, http://www.isabellkamp.de )

 

 

The lines of a mind aren’t written in rhyme.

They stagger and stretch and bide their time

‘Til the day they make their way to drop into light from deeper night inside.

Insight can’t stick to the walls of my brain,

Insane with round and round and round

Like a merry-go-round, grounded.

Rounding out “abouts” and doubt with flares of

Insignificant thought bursting into flames of fear and where do I go

From here

So near

To both a tear and a smile

All the while

Hiding in go seek and find

Or sit and stay the day away with idle nothingness and

Wishes and

What ifs. . .

What if?

What if yes and what is not?

What if the what if’s I got are dreams splayed in two

Caught between memories of what I thought I’d be and what

Stands before you-

Me.

Which me will I be if the what if’s write my history?

Do I stand in the shadow and wait for someone else to give me a pen or

Lift

My hand and hold the quill and quell the inability

To walk

To move

To go to the west the south the north the east

The beasts waiting to devour make me cower

Crouch

And cover my head

Stay in bed

Pound my hand into my fist and

Listlessly wait.

Wait like a tick with no tock stuck in the middle of two

And three

Holding

Filling

Exploding

Not wanting to

Exploit my God-given purpose with a bowing to fear

Giving over the sheer strength of my will to move.

Which me will I be?

Which side will I see?

When I unstick what was stuck

Like a steak in my dreams

To be who God called, is calling, has made me to be?

Free.

Not free

But free.

Who the son set free is free, indeed.

The sun will no longer set in the besetting sin of worry and doubt

A panic without danger

A depression without death or tragedy or loss

A sadness with no reason to be sad

Saddened by the time I’ve wasted

Called to glory

No more hesitating

Time to be me,

Tick

TOCK

Tick

TOCK

A car with a spoiler

A train on a schedule

A plane with a pilot awake at the controls

Controlling the weight inside and

Daring

Soaring

Breaking the sound barrier

To fly.

 

© Jill Szoo Wilson

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